Looooooooong Overdue

Hello family. I'm sorry it has been such a long time since I've blogged. I have no valid excuses. I will be accepting all forms of punishment offered for these offenses. I have been doing the facebook thing quite a bit and usually run out of computer interest and energy long before I get to my blog. Tonight I remembered that I have solidified my list of dream grad schools and I promised I would share it when I finished. I based my choices on what I found (through extensive research... ugh) to be realistically attainable schools based on skill sets/levels, programs of interest, budget/scholarship availability/geographic location, and other small factors. This list has been carefully chiseled down from an original collection of 70-some-odd schools. It took a long time to research and compare all those programs, so please bother to read through it, just so that I feel like I achieved something with all of that work. Here it is, in general order of interest:

1) Mills College (Oakland, CA) - MFA Choreography
2) Roehampton University (London, England) - MFA Choreography or MA Dance Therapy
3) University of Oregon (Eugene, OR) - MFA Choreography
4) Lesley University (Cambridge, MA) - MA Dance Therapy
5) Bennington College (Bennington, VT) - MFA Performing Arts, Self-Directed Path
6) UC Riverside (Riverside, CA) - MFA Experimental Choreography
7) University of Colorado (Boulder, CO) - MFA Choreography
8) SU of NY, Brockport (Brockport, NY) - MFA Choreography
9) Smith College (Northhampton, MA) - MFA Choreography
10) University of Michigan (Ann Arbor, MI) - MFA Choreography
11) Temple University (Philadelphia, PA) - MFA Choreography
12) Naropa University (Boulder, CO) - MA Somatic Counseling
13) Columbia College (Chicago, IL) - MA Movement Therapy

With luck, I will be living at or near one of these universities for the next three years of my life. Keep your fingers crossed or pray or do a rain dance or special jig or whatever it is that you do to win favor with fate and the gods of grad school admissions boards. I'll be pretty seriously bummed if I don't make it into at least ONE of these 13 schools (after all, it will cost nearly $1,000 just to APPLY to all these places, and that's not including travel expenses... because guess what dancers have to do in addition to all the usual application junk... AUDITION!!! and typically in person - so if you're considering gifting me something this holiday season, just slip me a fiver and I'll be happy as a clam). But my backup plan is to apply for the MA of Education here at CSUF (ugh) and/or go to massage therapy school. Those are last resorts, though. Not at all what I really want, but what I could live with for a while. Wish me luck. Or, as we say in dance, "MERDE"!!! Love you.
~Laura

Oooops. Forgot about this.

Been a while! I completely forgot about this photo post. I meant to put it up forever ago. Daniel and I received a JUICER from mom and dad for my 26th bday! This was our day. Also, I spent some time touching up my dance collages and felt like capturing that.
School starts in ten days! AAAAAAHHHHH!!!! I can't wait. :)
Everyone love the family reunion idea? Yes? Me too! YAY.

Teeny, Tiny Letters

Hello my virtual companions! I write to you from Daniel's teeny tiny laptop. TINY. My laptop apparently found out that the warranty expired last month, so it pooped out on me. Fried hard drive. awesome. I do apologize for missing out on the month oof May, but I was quite busy with finals, settling into a new apartment, and getting fired from my job. :) All is well now, though. I ended up with 4 A's and 3 B's (should have been straight A's, but I slacked off a little), my new apartment with Daniel is great (yes, the latest scandal is that I am living with Daniel, but let's talk about that some other time that doesn't involve a public blogger), and surprise of all surprises, yes, I was fired. No idea why. Certainly didn't deserve it. They fired the other girl today. Interesting. Anyway, I am much happier now, as that place had become a festering hell hole over the past six months under the new management. Good ridence. I have found three new career opportunities, all of which may pay better and will allow me to be much more flexible with my schedule. So look out, I may be coming to a town near you for a Christmas visit this year! Ah! Consider yourselves warned. :)
For the next two weeks, I will be hiding my nose in a book (or laptop, rather - but since they are conveniently called "notebooks" these days, who the heck cares?) studying for my state insurance liscence exam next weekend. Yep. I'm going into daddy's business! Wohoo! And mom's, oddly enough. I will be booking Golden Bough's local gigs for a while. So wow. The two industries I swore I would never be involved in. Boy am I eating my words. I'm taking over the family businesses so that I can go into a field entirely unexplored by anyone in the current family. DANCE! Wohooooo!

What follows is a collection of pictures I took on a random thursday. I was going to play "I Spy" with you all, but instead I'm just going to leave it all blank and let you see what an average Thursday looked like to me this past semester, because let's face it; that's more fun. These are in no particular order. and yes, I am very aware thatI'm wierd and that my days at college appeare to the naked, untrained eye to be more like childhood days on a playground. I guess they kind of are. haha. I'm off to a date night with Daniel. Comedy hour at the Thai Palms. My friend is performing. See you next post!!!!

Promises, Promises.

I realize that I have been dead to the blogger world for some time. Don't feel bad. I have been dead to most of the world for some time. Life does that sometimes. But have no fear. I am back. Much has evolved in all departments of life. Since I do not have time or energy to explain much of it in text, I attempted another video post, obviously unsuccessfully. But fear not, sweet readers. Chin up. I have spruced up the page a bit as a sign of my intentions and am currently working on a picture post that will keep any curious visitors occupied with new material (though I cannot guarantee that it will be any less boring than nothing at all...) for a good chunk of time. That being said, I suppose I should at least announce my current intentions to move to Oregon in December/January. U of O is my top choice. My only choice, actually. I think I'm going to just go for it. Amazing program, great area to settle, similar economy to my current setting, distant enough to be the fresh atmosphere and adventure that I am craving, close enough that I will be able to hitch hike back to Modesto with my tail between my legs should I fail miserably, weather that I have always preferred, and what sounds like a social climate that I will fit quite nicely into.

Of course, this is all contingent upon my graduating in December. And since CSU Fresno has cut one class that I need to graduate from the fall schedule, things aren't looking good. I'm trying to fight it and argue my way into an independent study. Dance History. One wretched class. I was so close.

In the mean time, I am twidling my social thumbs, anxious to get out of here. School and work keep me plenty busy, as usual. 6 weeks left of this semester. Still haven't seen Kelli's new baby yet. Sorry, Jason. Can't wait to see you!!! My body knew exactly when I would have a break and it took the opportunity to obtain and maaaaaiiiiinnnnntaaaaaiiiiiinnnnn strep throat. Thank you immune system. Stupid body. It's so stinkin' smart, it kills me. Anyway, summer's a'coming. I'll be seeing you all in the coming months, I hope.

"I Spy" game coming up next. Namaste.

P.S. Please note the time stamp for this blog and raise your hands to the sky. You KNOW there is a god when Laura is up at this hour. Can I get an "Amen"?

Digital Clock

Get your own Digital Clock

My Page Pet

The Ten... I think.

In EXTREMELY particular order:

1) University of Oregon - Eugene, OR
2) Roehampton University - London, England
3) Lesley University - Boston, MA
4) CalArts University - Valencia, CA
5) University of Utah - Salt Lake City, UT
6) Bennington University - Bennington, VT
7) Hollins University - Roanoke, VA
8) Brockport University - Suny Brockport, NY
9) Oklahoma City University - Oklahoma City, OK
10) University of Otago - Otago, New Zealand

Side Note: University of Oregon does not accept incoming graduate students in winter or spring. Fall only. Sadface. Still, the point here is that I am leaving Fresno for good. Only smiles, there.

"Sleep and Wilbur found eachother". Where exactly was that, I wonder?

So it's 3AM and I cannot sleep. There are billions of thoughts zipping through my mind, and I can't calm them to save my life. Today was not a great day. It stunk, as a matter of fact. At the end of my bad days, I have a propencity to look through the happy blogs of those I love. In case you were wondering, this is NOT a healthy practice for me.

I know I'm a downer, but I'm pretty bluesy tonight and need to express it. Maybe I will fall asleep while I write. Hey Wendy, can I borrow some of your sleepiness?

Looking at your blogs is a bitter-sweet experience for me. I miss you all very much. Feel so distant both geographically and practically. Your lives all consist of children, grandchildren, careers, homes, establishment, spouses, and loving families. I often feel very alone when I study your blogs. What different worlds we live in.

Children.

That was my biggest dream until recent years. That's all I really wanted in life. Children of my own, children in a classroom, children everywhere. Sometimes I wonder if 'aunt' is as close as I will get to 'mom'. Yeah, I know. I've "got plenty of time". Of course I do. That doesn't make this easier. From where I'm standing at the moment, that just means I've got plenty of time left to watch the years pass without the family I have always wanted. This is not how I thought things would go for me at this age... I fully expected to have a life similar to Kelli's. I planned on it. Did I make a mistake when I came to Fresno? Where did I go wrong? I feel like such a failure sometimes.

Due to recent events, I have given up on dating in Fresno. Single for a year is my goal. I'm leaving this place in a year anyway. Eugene, Oregon is now at the top of my list, just above Roehampton in London. So here goes another year without any hope of children of my own, which clearly means another year beyond that. A bare minimum of 2-3 years before I can possibly have children. That's about right, I suppose. Even then, I'll still be in an MFA program, so no children then, even if I did manage to establish a relationship good enough for marraige. That puts me at about 29-30 years old before children are an option, if I carry out my goals. So which is more important to me? Children (assuming I get married by the time I'm 30), or a terminal degree? What an awful question, Laura.

Your children are so beautiful. All of them. I love to recall having the chance to live amongst some of them briefly. Amazing experiences. What a glorious thing it must be to be a mother. What a joy.

There are so many women in much more bleak circumstances than I. I shouldn't complain. I'm so young yet. It just hurts. Imagine the couples who discover that they cannot bare children. Imagine the women who have gone through a lifetime single. How lonely. How frustrating.
I've got nothing to worry about. It just hits me when I see your blogs. I'm still alone, and I desparately want a husband and children of my own.

I'm just not ready yet, I guess.

I wonder when I will be.

Treasure your children.

Do-Over?

Can I please have a do-over? I am just not getting this life thing right.
What is wrong with me?

I am thankful for love, life, and a healthy body.

I made a new friend through my roommate last month. His name is Chad Hickey. Chad and I recognized one another from "around Fresno", but can't seem to place exactly how we know one another. Tonight, insomnia held my eyelids open late and I stumbled across this precious piece in search of something of interest on facebook. I definitely found what I sought. This is 4 months old, written by Chad himself. I found it inspiring and comforting. I am thankful for my health, but I am even more thankful for the perspective he gives.


"For some time i have been meaning to write. there seems to be an urging within me to address all of those souls that have been in my service and support for the past year of my life. however i regret to say it has been difficult to really be able to compose something that could rightfully depict my current position in the fight against cancer and my battles that have waged. so please forgive me if this for any of you is not fully encompassing or paints a full picture of the great and small things of this year. I must start by saying, wow, what a year. there are not really words to say all of the things that i feel about all of my treatment and care. i could talk for hours about the nights that nurses stayed with my through the vomit, tears, breathing difficulties, codes called, and near death experiences. i could tell you about the doctors that through days weeks and months Never stopped fighting and believing in me and the other patients at the hospitals i lived at. or i could tell you about all of the "wisdom" i have attained in the clutches of death, but i fear it would be a stretch to assume even that. Instead i will say this. one year ago this week i was told i had an expiration date. i watched my biggest dream be ripped away from me and the darkest and most difficult fight of my life beset me. i watched great and terrible things happen to my body and spirit. i felt the fear as you hear and see you heart rate drop. i have held the hand of loved ones as i felt my lungs close in on themselves. i have felt so many drugs come into my system that took from me everything to even sanity. and i have watched in the mirror as i changed in every way. and yet with all of this i stand today. i walk today, not perfect but in remission. i live today knowing that the darkness which has threatened every aspect of my life is at bay, it is not gone but away. i will stay on a treatment regiment which continues to make life hard, but will point out, i am Alive. Through 160 days in the hospital, over 15 insertions into my spine, countless bone marrow biopsies, gallons of chemo, hundreds of opiates, antibiotics, transfusions, and various procedures i remain. I want the doctors and nurses and friends and family that have stayed by me to know, of my deepest gratitude. thank you for making my life mine again. may i live in a way that honors the effort of all of you as well as that of my own. And if i may make mention to a special group. to all those that i have lived with, suffered with and grown with. to all those that are still in the fight and to those that have lost or will to this awful darkness. I am honored to have known and know the great battle that you and i share. the horror of this awful disease is something i could never have understood in any sort of way but in person. i have been so blessed to see so many courageous warriors fight every day in the halls of 11long just to stay alive. please know those memories we share last forever, and you are so brave. i have never seen such strength as those that have fought and still are. and i want those that have lost loved ones and those who have given everything for the research in this fight to know of my personal gratitude for the sacrifice. there is no way for some to live without others to fall and i am so sorry for the loss and want you to know that the memory and love for those that have gone on before is never far from my heart. it is what fuels me these days and always. may God rest the souls of those that have fought till the end. And so what now right? i have asked myself that much as of late and each time the same thing happens. this smile comes to me, from the deepest part of my heart and i shake my head and think to myself, Just Live. i will continue in school and business and life, but everyday i am just so grateful to be alive, to be feeling a bit better daily, and to know of the journey that is still ahead in my life. thank you again, each of you that has helped me and known and shared in the darkness and given to me pieces of light when it seemed impossible for this to happen. i pray for the health and safety for all you and please know even if i don't write, or properly thank you, you are my life. each day the memories of your goodness, of your giving, and sacrifice is what fills my cup. i could never thank each of you for the gifts of life that you share but hope that in my life i may give and live just as so many of you. oh and one last thing..... Chad 1, Cancer 0. C Is STILL for Chad Not Cancer"

Right on, Chad. Cheers.