Sunday, December 14, 2008

Family Sick

It's almost 7AM, a chilly windswept morning at KFAT in Fresno, CA. I am not at church or at home in bed. I am at work. Boo hiss.

Across the counter from me is our 9 foot Christmas tree and a sweet little centerpiece that my new boss put together. Cheri is doing a fantastic job against all odds as our new manager. I have a great deal of respect for her and I know that respect is returned. Thank goodness.

It is 28 degrees (F) at KFAT right now. A quiet, stay-home-in-bed morning, that is exactly what three of our 5 scheduled fuelers decided to do today. Only two line techs showed up... Good thing nobody is flying, or we would be in big trouble. The sun is rising on our ramp, and there goes the morning MD80, American Airlines flight 1422. That means my line techs are done fueling it and headed back to my ramp. I'd better head back to my desk.

Herbal Raspberry tea (no more hot cocoa for the vegan) and a fuzzy sweater over my uniform dress keep me happy and toasty this lonely Sunday morning.

My fill-in family as of late has been the free spirits I hang around when I'm not at work. Ok, Daniel doesn't count as a "free spirit". In fact, I don't think it gets more "old conservative man" than him. He's even got a little "cantankerous" in him when he hasn't eaten or had his coffee. But Ellie, Ruth, Lindsay Jo, Taylor, and most of the dance community in Fresno definitely qualify as "free spirit". Ellie (one of my very closest friends since I moved to Fresno) and I were out having Thai food the other night, and we decided that we need a little winter rebellion. That is to say, we are going to rebel against winter. We plan to pack up some other dancers, our boyfriends, some tents, and some firewood, and head off to Pismo, Carmel, or both for a day or two as soon as we finish the semester. We need sand and waves and a break from constant scheduling (Ellie works two jobs and is a fellow dance major at CSUF). And if the sun is not willing to provide, we will get our warmth from a bon fire. Ellie is my carribean beach goddess friend. I used to have pictures of us engaging in reggae nights, pool parties, and lovely, unnecessary, spontaneous visits to the beach over the past 5 years. Where they are now, I don't know. I'll dig them up and share some day.

Ellie and I discussed the importance of family over vegan Phad Thai, pretty glasses of wine, and chopsticks (the wine was for her). We agreed that all the talk of family was making us miss our own so much. Ellie and I have a thick history together, and an understanding that transcends the differences in our fundamental beliefs on life and death. As Daniel says, "it is a freedom we allow one another". Ellie and I could not be more different in religious or political views. But we see that, spiritually, we have much in common, and can allow the other to be who they are without forcing a point of view on them. I have come to love and respect Ellie. We have seen the absolute best of one another and the terribly embarrassing worst... We have seen one another through the ugly moments and the horrible admissions that we wouldn't want our families to know about. But it is because of those experiences that we can see eachother for the imperfect, struggling people we are, striving to just be better, whatever the term means for us.

Anyway... I miss my family now. I love my college families; church groups, dancer friends, roommates, and now Daniel and his associates. But I miss my family so much it hurts. I haven't seen Roo in so long I fear I won't recognize her at Christmas. And Emma is probably talking and I don't know it yet. Chance, Brandon, and Katie were soooooo grown up and full of new ideas and life!!! I don't know how I would feel about meeting four well developed Missouri Black Company boys all of a sudden! I miss my siblings. I miss them even though I am always frustrated by how different we are when we are together, how different our worlds are, and how I can sense a disconnect, a lack of understanding for one another because of those differences. I want to be in their world, with children and constant family and love. But I'm in my own world of school and hard work, big bills, little income; and instead of going home to a family at the end of the day, I go out to a late night social life. I miss kids. I miss nap times and playdough and scribbles on a previously clean wall, tantrums and owies and the five millionth poopy diaper. I always thought I was meant to be a mom. It's just taking much longer than I thought.
Oh well. I am enjoying college life still. I just get this way when I read everyone's blogs and see all the family life happening around me. It was probably not the smartest thing to do at 5:45 this morning when I was already feeling tired, cold, and lonely.
Today is a good day. But I miss you, family.


NLBlack said...

Ahhh....the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence.

I remember those free-spirit college days with the social night at night. I longed for home and family.

Then I had them (and the poopy diapers, never enough sleep and constant bedlam that goes with them)and I longed for the freedom (just one day!) to go out with friends in the evening and have time to myself.

Now I have that again, and I long for the little messes and constant noise of children around.

I think we are all a like in this!

No matter how different your world may be, it's not a family gathering unless YOU are there. You are definitely a huge part of who we all are, so come around more often! We miss you!

NLBlack said...

PS = I love your outfit!

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