Friday, February 27, 2009
So it's 3AM and I cannot sleep. There are billions of thoughts zipping through my mind, and I can't calm them to save my life. Today was not a great day. It stunk, as a matter of fact. At the end of my bad days, I have a propencity to look through the happy blogs of those I love. In case you were wondering, this is NOT a healthy practice for me.
I know I'm a downer, but I'm pretty bluesy tonight and need to express it. Maybe I will fall asleep while I write. Hey Wendy, can I borrow some of your sleepiness?
Looking at your blogs is a bitter-sweet experience for me. I miss you all very much. Feel so distant both geographically and practically. Your lives all consist of children, grandchildren, careers, homes, establishment, spouses, and loving families. I often feel very alone when I study your blogs. What different worlds we live in.
That was my biggest dream until recent years. That's all I really wanted in life. Children of my own, children in a classroom, children everywhere. Sometimes I wonder if 'aunt' is as close as I will get to 'mom'. Yeah, I know. I've "got plenty of time". Of course I do. That doesn't make this easier. From where I'm standing at the moment, that just means I've got plenty of time left to watch the years pass without the family I have always wanted. This is not how I thought things would go for me at this age... I fully expected to have a life similar to Kelli's. I planned on it. Did I make a mistake when I came to Fresno? Where did I go wrong? I feel like such a failure sometimes.
Due to recent events, I have given up on dating in Fresno. Single for a year is my goal. I'm leaving this place in a year anyway. Eugene, Oregon is now at the top of my list, just above Roehampton in London. So here goes another year without any hope of children of my own, which clearly means another year beyond that. A bare minimum of 2-3 years before I can possibly have children. That's about right, I suppose. Even then, I'll still be in an MFA program, so no children then, even if I did manage to establish a relationship good enough for marraige. That puts me at about 29-30 years old before children are an option, if I carry out my goals. So which is more important to me? Children (assuming I get married by the time I'm 30), or a terminal degree? What an awful question, Laura.
Your children are so beautiful. All of them. I love to recall having the chance to live amongst some of them briefly. Amazing experiences. What a glorious thing it must be to be a mother. What a joy.
There are so many women in much more bleak circumstances than I. I shouldn't complain. I'm so young yet. It just hurts. Imagine the couples who discover that they cannot bare children. Imagine the women who have gone through a lifetime single. How lonely. How frustrating.
I've got nothing to worry about. It just hits me when I see your blogs. I'm still alone, and I desparately want a husband and children of my own.
I'm just not ready yet, I guess.
I wonder when I will be.
Treasure your children.
Thursday, February 26, 2009
Can I please have a do-over? I am just not getting this life thing right.
What is wrong with me?
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
I made a new friend through my roommate last month. His name is Chad Hickey. Chad and I recognized one another from "around Fresno", but can't seem to place exactly how we know one another. Tonight, insomnia held my eyelids open late and I stumbled across this precious piece in search of something of interest on facebook. I definitely found what I sought. This is 4 months old, written by Chad himself. I found it inspiring and comforting. I am thankful for my health, but I am even more thankful for the perspective he gives.
"For some time i have been meaning to write. there seems to be an urging within me to address all of those souls that have been in my service and support for the past year of my life. however i regret to say it has been difficult to really be able to compose something that could rightfully depict my current position in the fight against cancer and my battles that have waged. so please forgive me if this for any of you is not fully encompassing or paints a full picture of the great and small things of this year. I must start by saying, wow, what a year. there are not really words to say all of the things that i feel about all of my treatment and care. i could talk for hours about the nights that nurses stayed with my through the vomit, tears, breathing difficulties, codes called, and near death experiences. i could tell you about the doctors that through days weeks and months Never stopped fighting and believing in me and the other patients at the hospitals i lived at. or i could tell you about all of the "wisdom" i have attained in the clutches of death, but i fear it would be a stretch to assume even that. Instead i will say this. one year ago this week i was told i had an expiration date. i watched my biggest dream be ripped away from me and the darkest and most difficult fight of my life beset me. i watched great and terrible things happen to my body and spirit. i felt the fear as you hear and see you heart rate drop. i have held the hand of loved ones as i felt my lungs close in on themselves. i have felt so many drugs come into my system that took from me everything to even sanity. and i have watched in the mirror as i changed in every way. and yet with all of this i stand today. i walk today, not perfect but in remission. i live today knowing that the darkness which has threatened every aspect of my life is at bay, it is not gone but away. i will stay on a treatment regiment which continues to make life hard, but will point out, i am Alive. Through 160 days in the hospital, over 15 insertions into my spine, countless bone marrow biopsies, gallons of chemo, hundreds of opiates, antibiotics, transfusions, and various procedures i remain. I want the doctors and nurses and friends and family that have stayed by me to know, of my deepest gratitude. thank you for making my life mine again. may i live in a way that honors the effort of all of you as well as that of my own. And if i may make mention to a special group. to all those that i have lived with, suffered with and grown with. to all those that are still in the fight and to those that have lost or will to this awful darkness. I am honored to have known and know the great battle that you and i share. the horror of this awful disease is something i could never have understood in any sort of way but in person. i have been so blessed to see so many courageous warriors fight every day in the halls of 11long just to stay alive. please know those memories we share last forever, and you are so brave. i have never seen such strength as those that have fought and still are. and i want those that have lost loved ones and those who have given everything for the research in this fight to know of my personal gratitude for the sacrifice. there is no way for some to live without others to fall and i am so sorry for the loss and want you to know that the memory and love for those that have gone on before is never far from my heart. it is what fuels me these days and always. may God rest the souls of those that have fought till the end. And so what now right? i have asked myself that much as of late and each time the same thing happens. this smile comes to me, from the deepest part of my heart and i shake my head and think to myself, Just Live. i will continue in school and business and life, but everyday i am just so grateful to be alive, to be feeling a bit better daily, and to know of the journey that is still ahead in my life. thank you again, each of you that has helped me and known and shared in the darkness and given to me pieces of light when it seemed impossible for this to happen. i pray for the health and safety for all you and please know even if i don't write, or properly thank you, you are my life. each day the memories of your goodness, of your giving, and sacrifice is what fills my cup. i could never thank each of you for the gifts of life that you share but hope that in my life i may give and live just as so many of you. oh and one last thing..... Chad 1, Cancer 0. C Is STILL for Chad Not Cancer"
Right on, Chad. Cheers.
Friday, February 13, 2009
Add The University of Otago, New Zealand, to the list. Yay! What a great program they have!
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
My top seven:
1) Roehampton University - London, England
2) CalArts University - Valencia, CA
3) Bennington University - Bennington, VT
4) University of Utah - SLC, UT
5) Hollins University - Roanoke, VA
6) Brockport University - Suny Brockport, NY
7) Oklahoma City University - Oklahoma City, Oklahoma
Still looking for numbers eight, nine, and ten.
Lots of research still ahead. Stay tuned.
Sunday, February 8, 2009
Also, let it be known that Mom KICKED DAD'S BUTT at Chinese Checkers that weekend. For the first time in their marraige. NICE JOB, MOM!
Daddy claims she cheated. Whatever, daddy. I saw it. She kicked both our tails!
Sunday, February 1, 2009
Hello all you lovely readers! Sicky McSick-Sick here, relaying the second of what will surely be a long line of my "Good School Hunting" series. Hardy har. Ok, I know. That wasn't the least bit funny. But I had to try.
It has been another week of grueling online searching. My greatest fear at this point is that I will have to spend a year learning to read brail before I head off to grad school because I will have gone blind from all this computer screen use. After chatting with my advisor (Kenneth, the ballet professor and director of University Dance Theatre), I felt somewhat reassured, a sense of renewed confidence in my quest. Roehampton University still remains at the top of my list, though I cannot imagine actually going unless I am able to somehow earn $45,000 in scholarships. I would still have to take out about $20,000 in loans simply to support myself while in London for two years. It's a long shot. But I refuse to give up. Kenneth was awarded enough scholarships to receive a $50,000 education from Arizona State completely free. I am investigating 41 universities around the world. An excel spreadsheet will help me compare key factors such as cost of tuition, cost of living at the university's location, program type, program length, internships, scholarships, distance from family, LDS population, etc. From this list, I will select my top ten choices and apply for every single possible whisper of a scholarship or grant. I plan to take my GRE this fall, which leaves me the summer to prepare. I have several months to read as much scholarly work as possible in order to familiarize myself with standards and styles expected by admissions boards. My GPA does not exactly scream "TAKE ME! I'M THE BEST!", but it passes acceptance levels. I will have to rely on my sample writing (which I should begin any day now in order to accumulate 30 solid pages of valuable text that will best demonstrate my skill), letters of recommendation, experience, and (HOPEFULLY) my GRE score to get me accepted!
I'm actually a little surprised at how seriously I am taking all of this. It has been a big fat wish in the back of my mind for a long time, but I took the program at CSUF for granted. No question on my acceptance there. Having reviewed my potential admission with the head of the Kinesiology MA department, Dr. Janelle Gilbert, I had become almost lazy in my pursuit of a terminal degree at Fresno State. I am now convinced within myself that CSUF Kinesiology is not where I belong. I felt it the instant I walked into my first class. And now, with this sudden drive to find MY program, I am amazed at my own determination. Something like a real, live, grown-up. Golly.
I can feel the skin of my awareness stretching. Quite literally, I am watching myself adapt and learn. My list of questions and concerns takes me far beyond my comfort zone as an adult. I have learned the basics of independent survival; work hard, brush teeth, be nice, pay bills on time, save money, look both ways before crossing the street, set alarm, eat fruits and veggies, speak up in class, do a little extra at work, etc. Suddenly, I am asking myself to stretch beyond those comfortable daily do's. Network, research, go the EXTRA extra mile, ask LOTS of questions, take initiative, look outside of yourself, interview those who have reached goals similar to yours, set small daily goals to achieve a dream, wash behind your ears! oh.... I mean... I've always done that last one....
Exciting. Exhilarating. There is one part I do not care for. In all my researching, planning, and comparing, I get carried away in my mind and begin to daydream about possibilities for my future. What would life be like in London? Would my personal movement style be accepted or admired as I desire in Virginia? Will I be able to have a social life in Arizona? Where would I work if I lived with Carin in Utah? Would I have enough time to play with Chance, Brandon, and Katie every day? Maybe I could even help them with school! Will I like living in the snow if I move to Brockport University in New York? What are the dorms like at the Pratt Institute in New York?
No, that's not the part I don't care for. I love that part. The part I hate is the falling away from my daydreams when I stumble upon a document that defines tuition for an 8 week, mandatory movement session in the U of U Modern Dance MFA as being $8,000, classes 8AM to 4PM, M-F. Wow. Those details tend to put a blemish or two on my big dreams.
"A goal without a plan is nothing but a wish." ~Michael Pritchard
"You may be disappointed if you fail, but you are doomed if you don't try." ~ Beverly Sills
"If you cannot do great things, do small things in a great way." ~Albert Einstien
Four hours until I'm off and can resume my search while enjoying a nice cup of Chamomile Tea. MMmmmmm...... Stupid cold. My sinuses are killing. But I will feel great when I am well again. Hooray!