Monday, October 6, 2008

What sucks most about having been dumped is that my plans are ruined yet again. Every time I make a five-year plan, things go crazy and it falls apart. This time I had planned on marrying Scott, having a family, working through a Master's program at CSUF, babies, normalcy, blah blah. Now what? Two significantly sad and lengthy relationships ruined in this city, and I kind of can't take the scenery anymore. I'm stuck here for a while longer, at least until I finish my BA. What then? Where do they make good men? Men my age? Who aren't completely repulsive? Losing Scott is very disheartening for my motherhood dream. I've got this perpetual urge to keep up with my siblings. I'm already a wedding and three kids behind all of them. Will I ever catch up? I seriously doubt it sometimes. Maybe I'll never get married. I'm not so great at this relationship stuff. Maybe I'll just be a crazy dance teacher. That's my newest plan, because nothing else seems plausible. My ballet teacher reminds me to "keep myself open to all the possibilities the universe has to offer me". I've never been very good at making descisions. Especially not big ones. I'm frustrated because I can't see past the end of this semester. What will happen? Another lonely Christmas season, another time-crunch semester, then a summer... But I had Scott to enjoy those things with before. They seem so pale and bland when I imagine them without him.

I don't know what a "yes" is anymore when I pray for answers. Because I was one hundred percent sure that I was getting "yes"s when I'd pray about Scott. I thought he was, too. I don't know what changed, but praying is confusing and depressing now. What the hell?! What am I doing here?! What am I supposed to do now?! I hate being this confused. When do I get to have my own family?! And WHY did I have to ruin things with the best man I know?!!!?!?!?!?!?! Please don't comment. I don't want to hear it. I just wanted to write a bit.