SCOOP THAT BLOOP

What sucks most about having been dumped is that my plans are ruined yet again. Every time I make a five-year plan, things go crazy and it falls apart. This time I had planned on marrying Scott, having a family, working through a Master's program at CSUF, babies, normalcy, blah blah. Now what? Two significantly sad and lengthy relationships ruined in this city, and I kind of can't take the scenery anymore. I'm stuck here for a while longer, at least until I finish my BA. What then? Where do they make good men? Men my age? Who aren't completely repulsive? Losing Scott is very disheartening for my motherhood dream. I've got this perpetual urge to keep up with my siblings. I'm already a wedding and three kids behind all of them. Will I ever catch up? I seriously doubt it sometimes. Maybe I'll never get married. I'm not so great at this relationship stuff. Maybe I'll just be a crazy dance teacher. That's my newest plan, because nothing else seems plausible. My ballet teacher reminds me to "keep myself open to all the possibilities the universe has to offer me". I've never been very good at making descisions. Especially not big ones. I'm frustrated because I can't see past the end of this semester. What will happen? Another lonely Christmas season, another time-crunch semester, then a summer... But I had Scott to enjoy those things with before. They seem so pale and bland when I imagine them without him.

I don't know what a "yes" is anymore when I pray for answers. Because I was one hundred percent sure that I was getting "yes"s when I'd pray about Scott. I thought he was, too. I don't know what changed, but praying is confusing and depressing now. What the hell?! What am I doing here?! What am I supposed to do now?! I hate being this confused. When do I get to have my own family?! And WHY did I have to ruin things with the best man I know?!!!?!?!?!?!?! Please don't comment. I don't want to hear it. I just wanted to write a bit.

Hi. I'm alive. Sorry for all the confusion. But seeing as how I am no longer "scooty's girl", I figured I needed to change my blog address... I completely overlooked the fact that this makes it impossible for any of you to FIND my blog now. Sorry...

School is great, work is good, I'm healthy, happy, I get to dance every day, and all my bills are being paid. What more could I want?

I played my violin for HOURS last night. My boss gave me the night off and instead of doing anything productive, I spent my time enjoying my old passion. I still have great tone, if you can believe it. And by the end of the night, I was playing "Meditation" from "Thais" as if I had never stopped playing! It was so fun. My fingers and neck are sore today from it, though. Silly Laura.

I guess that's it. Conference this weekend. Yay. Sorry to have startled anyone. If you ask me about Scott, I'll ignore you. So don't. Love you all.

Scott and I broke up last night. No, I don't want to talk about it. Just wanted to update everyone so I don't get a thousand "How's Scott?"s over the next few weeks. Gotta run.

No, Not biblically...

My neck hurts. Sore. I'm sitting outside my dance studio (see door on the left in above photo) in the music building at Fresno State. Lovely building, though my sad little webcam doesn't provide any proof of that.



I began writing this post last Tuesday in a rare ten minute break I found. The break was quickly stolen from me, and I had to save and exit blogger. I am just finally getting back to it now. Bleh.


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Hi. I felt like I should probably update, since it's been a week. Not much news here. School, work, blah blah. I did get to sit down with Dr. Jenelle Gilbert this week to discuss my future in the Kinesioligy Master's program here. All systems are GO! She says I'm somewhat of an anomoly at this school, as the dance program and Kines program have never really meshed... so I'll have to go through her to approve every single class I take for the next three years. I'm starting to look into loan options, as I will be taking my first student loan out next year. Yikes! Not the time for taking loans out in the Valley... Or anywhere, for that matter. I still don't know if I will be able to graduate next fall (waiting to find out if they will actually offer the last few classes that I need!!!). The waiting game. It's awesome. I just keep praying that it works out. Dr. Gilbert asked if I would be interested in earning a doctorate. Ha! Someday, when I have lots of money (right... lots. Suuuure...) Maybe I'll re-enlist and become Dr. Black! We talked about the possibility of my being a published writer someday, teaching at a university, or branching off into injury prevention.
As long as it deals with movement and pays in US dollars, I don't care.
The Kines MA program here is the very best in the western US, and one of the top in the nation. Amazing facilities and resources, internships as far as the eye can see, and top-notch faculty. Needless to say, I am thrilled. Just two more semesters before I get started! (not including my current semester...) Someday I'll be edumacated.


Last night I rehearsed my pance off. Dance pance. (and by "last night", I mean last monday night, as a week has already passed...)

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Back to the present. Sorry if that was confusing. Today is Monday, September 22. I found that I am ahead on my costume shop hours (have to give 90 hours over the semester, and I already have 26). And since I will be working there for three hours later today, I thought I would take a nice break this morning and mend the strap of a favorite leotard that has come undone. Maybe do some laundry. Read a bit. Catch up on homework. Breathe. good things.

My first concert of the semester rapidly approaches. One month... October 18th and 19th. I have been invited to perform in the Central Valley Dance Festival with a group of four other girls from CSUF. Need I mention that I am both thrilled and terrified?! Because I am. Both. Quite. We are dancing to the theme song from the TV show "House". It will be quite awesome. The choreographer is one of my favorite in town, Lindsay Jo Settle, who danced for Martha something at the Dance Studio of Fresno, who was the prized pupil and choreographic student of Mia Michaels, current ridiculously popular Modern dance choreographer for the TV show, "So You Think You Can Dance". Mia Michaels' style trickled down through the floor boards and soaked into Lindsay Jo's bed at some point, affecting her dreams at night. At least, that's what I like to think. Either way, they are Modern crowd-pleasers, which are typically rare. I'm looking forward to the experience, but it does mean limited rehearsal time and stepping up to dance alongside the finest in the valley. My knees are shaking.

My schedule as of late is the same. Last Monday was a bit odd, though. I worked in the costume shop from 8-12, ran some errands (no class, as the theatre arts department had a faculty retreat all day), met with Dr. Gilbert at 2, went back to the costume shop from 2:30-5PM, grabbed a salad with Scott (the only day in the week that I have an hour break and get to see him when I'm not completely wiped out), and ran back to my studio to dance from 6-10:30PM. That was a nice, easy day.

Scott and I don't get to see eachother much. When we do, we usually fall asleep. He is ever patient with me, waiting all day for me to have a moment to spend with him. By the time I'm available, I'm nearly dead. We have to wait for the weekends. The man lives across the street from me and I never see him. :( But he does have his fishies to occupy his time. :) Check out his blog.

Well, that's the news from Lake Wobegone...
Where Scott is strong, Laura is good-looking, and all my nieces and nephews are above average.
I hope you're all well. Miss and love you.

One year ago today, Nathan Scott Green too me on our first date. We went to the Madera Fair, which proved to be the best date ever. Since then, we have enjoyed a year-long series of fun-filled dates. Scott has become my best friend and favorite companion. He is my hero. An upstanding RM, a great listener, funny, sweet, a complete gentleman, smart as they come, and the most handsome man in the world! He is gentle, kind, and wildly talented, but too humble to ever say it. Scott is an excellent pilot, a creative builder, and a careful researcher. He is calculated and careful, but still has that great sense of spontinaity. One who loves all things of the outdoors (despite outrageous allergies) and is so passionate about all that he does, he is the love of my life. He has a calming presence to counter mine, and a goofy sense of humor to match mine. The man can also dance (though he will deny it to no end), and is my new favorite dance partner. I love him to itty bitty pieces! Happy anniversary, Scooty!

Yep. He is super cute.

Best. Year. Ever.

Looking forward to the next.

Love you, Scott.

Two weeks of school have passed. I am already fed up with it. Work and school are not condusive with one another. I am fully enjoying this much needed break today. I get up at seven, go to school to put in lab hours (eight per week, minimum) at the costume or scene shop (a big stupid waste of my time for a theatre arts requirement). Ok, so the experience is good, but it just takes so much TIME!!!! The one thing I do not have readily available in my life. 90 hours over the course of one semester. Bleh. So I work in the shop, then run to ballet for two hours, then modern for two hours, then I RUN across campus to my condo, hop in my car and drive to work. Oh work. I won't even get into that here. I work for eight hours (no breaks in my job. we sign a waiver), close up shop at ten (if I'm lucky and don't have to stay late for any aircraft), and head home. Once home, I try to shower, do a bit of homework, and say hello to my boyfriend down the road (our one year anniversary is tomorrow). We read scriptures and then I head off to bed, hopefully by midnight or 1 AM. Wake up at seven on Tues/Thurs, work in the shop, go to theatre craft (which is the class in which I learn HOW to work in the shop), work in the shop some more (unless they let me go do homework), run to choreography class, RUN to my car, go to work. Nightly routine. Sleep. Do it again. Thankfully, I have Sundays off this semester. HALLELUIA!!!! Mondays are the longest. I'm off work, but I have rehearsals all night. I work in the shop till ten, go to ballet, modern, go back to the shop for three more hours, then go to University Dance Theatre class (production class) and choreograph and rehearse for three hours after an hour of warm-up and production business. Saturday mornings will be spent catching up on Gerontology homework (a class I thought would be fascinating but is proving rather dull and taxing...) and then I work saturday nights. Thank goodness for Sundays.

Then there is the rest of life to worry about. I have cavities to fill, root canals to endure, bills to pay, no time to set extra appointments, trying to plan everything months or years in advance, figuring out next fall's schedule, will I be able to get a loan for grad school, how many kinesiology courses must I take prior to entering the program, lose weight eternally, save for that car, pay for school, am I getting married next year and how will that affect my plans for school, my boss hates me and I don't know how much longer I can put up with that, when did I become an adult, can't I be five years old again, is everything going to be ok or will I fall apart half way through the semester, maybe I can't do this afterall, I'm so tired. I need a good cry. I'm not really sad. I'm scared. And I need a good, hefty, long, unreasonable cry. Somebody poke me with a pin or something. Let's get it started so I can get it out and move on.

....what else could have made me do that?
I would delete it, but then I would have wasted two hours of sleep for nothing. I suppose I thought I was saying something last night, so I'll leave it. Just excuse it, if you will. I think I was so excited over being back in an environment in which I am fully encouraged to cultivate my creativity that I wanted to share it, but then started worrying what you all would think (at a late hour after a long day and while I was particularly vulnerable to such scrutiny), and I became as defensive as I ever have of dance! oh goodness. My apologies. I am so tired today. Is that punishment enough?

Day two of my new semester, and a nice hefty day of work after that. bleh. Can I go back to bed?

I am going to write a book someday.

What a great day. I love school. I hate working and going to school at the same time, which ruins any chance I had of actually HAVING A LIFE!!!!! But still, I LOVE school. Especially now that all I have to focus on is DANCE!!! And Gerontology, apparently, for one more semester. Stupid upper division general ed.... grrrr.....

It was AMAZING to dance again today! We took a full ballet class (and I did surprisingly well after a summer of no dancing. I thoroughly expected it to kick my trash. No doubt my professor will rip into us soon, though). Great University dance theatre class. I'm choreographing three pieces (I must have gone insane), and I'll be dancing in two others. Five total. That's my concert average, so it's ok. I say that now. Just wait until November. What am I doing?!

I'm very much looking forward to my choreography class tomorrow, as well as theatre craft. It's great to see all my friends again. That's the nice thing about being a dance major. Big time networking. Everyone knows everyone. It's a small group, and we are all completely passionate about the art.

Modern was a great somatic refresher. We began with a floor exercise dealing with the Bartenieff Fundamentals (I'll spare you my usual educational tangent), and moved through a full class of undercurves and placement reminders. It felt wonderful! So nice to stretch again. I'm always most flexible on the first day back. I'll be dying tomorrow. And for the rest of the semester.

I'd love to share with you my passion for and the depth of my studies, especially since most of you think I'm a little crazy for going to "college" where all I learn how to do is kick my leg in the air, turn around, and look pretty...
Yeah. No. That's not at all what I study. That's what I get to do for fun in some of my classes in order to maintain my technique and facilitate the study of a beautiful work with a great deal of depth and breadth of information. I learn about human development, kinesiology, somatic engineering, physical psychology, language, physics, inter-personal communication, physical therapy, the sympathetic and parasympathetic nervous systems, finding a balance between body and mind, communicating ideas through movement, injury prevention, anatomy, idiokinesis, interpreting physical stance and how our bodies are constantly expressing what is happening in our minds (whether we want them to or not). I get to learn all that fun stuff about the theatre, putting on shows, lighting, costumes, and makeup, yadda yadda, and I get to perform regularly, allowing myself to have the wonderful experience of formally presenting my hard work to those I care about, or complete strangers! It's a HUGE field, has very scientific and practical applications, and I'm crazy passionate about it. Besides, it's ART!

"We must never forget that art is not a form of propaganda; it is a form of truth."
~JFK

"Every child is an artist. The problem is how to remain an artist once he grows up."
~Pablo Picasso

"Let each man exercise the art he knows."
~Aristophanes

My daddy and brother-in-law each seem to think that I have made an impractical choice (not that they don't support and love me. They do). But each of them are great artists themselves. Each see God's beautiful work of color and substance in creation. Each extract the substance , seek it out for their own artistic use. Each design, form, create geometric line, and produce something asthetically pleasing, something to be seen, admired, appreciated, to enhance or reveal the work of The Lord. Adam is a great cook. We all love it when Adam is in the kitchen. Typically, he is just cooking to eat and enjoy the physical satisfaction. Occasionally, he will make a beautiful meal (consider Christmas), and present it carefully. THAT is a major artistic talent. He has the talent of blending flavors, colors, textures, and presenting it to a grateful audience as a welcome meal. Awesome artistic ability. Heaven knows I don't have THAT particular talent... :)

Heavenly Father gave me this body. It certainly is not condusive to today's standard of "perfect technique" in any form of defined dance. But it reacts so strongly to the option of movement amid music and rhythm that I can hardly contain it. I love this work. It is almost as precious and clear to me as the truths of the gospel. I love that we have bodies that can be trained. "Teach your body a lesson", right Grandpa Newman? I agree. I'm teaching my body to move, to be healthy in movement, to explore all possibilities. I'm choosing to say no to sitting still, raising my hand, speaking when spoken to, staring at a computer all day... I want to dance with someone and experience the undefinable energetic exchange. I love to be in an open space where I can move and breathe and not worry if I don't look "normal". I love to spin and jump and bend and stretch and then settle down and discuss what I felt in my body, what I felt in my mind, what others may have seen as they watched, any thoughts that corelate to the movement... It's such an amazing study. Art therapy all the way.

And dance, above all other art forms, is my personal preference. I have seen dance pieces that have moved me to tears, made me laugh, made me angry. Once, recently, I experienced "The Well" by Deborah Hay. It was the most disturbing piece of movement set to the most disturbing piece of music I have ever experienced. I HATED it. But I LOVED that I hated it. I have seen thousands of paintings, sculptures, photographs, what have you... None of them have ever caused such a powerful emotional reaction as "The Well" by Deborah Hay. I will never forget it. It wasn't terrifying or evil. Just STRANGE! She affected me, and in doing so, achieved something significant through her own means of communication. I certainly don't want to view many more dances like that one, but it reminded me that dance can actually apeak to me. Dance is ALIVE. It's made up of living bodies that a viewer can relate to and feel energy eminating from! I have two arms. That person on stage has two arms. I have a nose and eyes. That dancer's nose scrunches like mine, her eyes sparkle with delight. That man's knees keep bending on the heavy beat and it makes me want to bend mine, too! Monkey see, monkey do. Every human being that has ever been able to move their body has danced at some point in their life. I would even go as far as to argue that, even those who could not move for whatever reason, have danced their own dances as well. The very organs that make up our intricately designed and presicely finctional bodies move in a very specific rhythm in a designated order! It is when they fall out of order that we become ill! I would call that the most carefully choreographed dance of all. Every baby wants to bounce to a repetative sound. Every child loves to be rocked to sleep, especially to soothing sounds. Every kid wants to jump and run and explore an unknown space with their eyes, hands, feet, mouth, knees; their BODIES. They dance. It is only into our adolesence and adulthood that we are conditioned to believe that the body should only be used in certain ways. "Sit down, shut up, raise your hand, walk in line, don't wiggle, hold still, look normal, don't be silly (WHY NOT?! I demand that someone FINALLY explain to me why a person can't be SILLY when the opportunity arises, so long as they are in an appropriate time and place!!! I REFUSE TO NOT BE SILLY!). Everywhere, all over the world, every living thing moves and is affected by sound and the movements of others. Dance is far too broad to be labeled as "ballet", "tap", "swing"... there are so many variances within each genre, no human can track them all, no matter how carefully the rules and standards of a technique are recorded. They will change. Because humans change. The desire for new movement comes and there is no stopping it. Personal style is added, as no two living things move in exactly the same way. So broad. Martha Graham said "dance every step". I say every step is a dance. I love that I can move. Even if I became paralyzed and could only twitch an eyebrow, I would twitch it to every beat I felt. My very own eyebrow dance. And If I couldn't move anything at all, I would enjoy the beat of my heart until the day that dance ended and I was able to start fresh again!

ALL art is amazing and so necessary in life. I don't care if it's a Rembrandt or Karly's most recent fridge-adorning scribbling; a stick-figure drawing of her mommy and her holding hands. We MUST have it. Man didn't create it. God did. There is nothing worth anything in this life that mankind created on his own, and I have felt too much joy in art to believe that it is worthless. The very Earth is an unfathomable piece of art, given to us to learn from, enjoy, honor and share. I love that I am back in school, enveloped in this study. It's so important to me. So consider the value of such a study and stop making fun of me. :)


Also, I started my period in the middle of my modern class today. I won't say how I really felt about that because they are words that I should NEVER say. The female body is a wonderful thing, but why does it have to do THAT all the time?!?!?!?!

ok.... so now that I have shared way too much about everything....
goodnight.

Winnie the Pooh said it best. Or maybe it was Adam Sandler:

"Back to school, Back to school,
To show my dad I'm not a fool.
I've got my lunch pail packed,
my shoes tied tight,
I hope I don't get in a fight.
Back to school, back to school...."

Nope, it was definitely Winnie who got it right.

Mounting feelings of anticipation and apprehension are taking over my body.

This semester I have scheduled to take:
Advanced Modern Dance Technique
Advanced Ballet Technique
University Dance Theatre (Everyone come to my concert in November!!!!!)
Theatre Craft (90 hours of theatre service required, YIKES!!!! The dancer becomes a tech for a semester!)
Choreography
Gerontology - Multi-cultural views of aging in society.

So close to graduation. Yet so far away. *sigh*.

Better go get some tights on. Ballet barre begins in an hour.
wish me luck.