SCOOP THAT BLOOP

Lots of new posts coming soon.
For now, scroll down.
All the way down.
Keep going.

Hi. Yeah. I want to join in on the fun. My sisters put this up and it even got my brother to respond!!!!!! Their memories of me are probably things I don't remember, but let's hear it! Everyone can do this. Even Scott.

1. As a comment on my blog, leave one memory that you and I had together. It doesn't matter if you knew me a little or a lot, anything you remember!

2. Next, re-post these instructions on your blog and what memories people have about you. It's actually pretty funny to see the responses. If you leave a memory about me, I'll assume you're playing the game and I'll come to your blog and leave one about you. If you don't want to play on your blog, or if you don't have a blog, I'll leave my memory of you in my comments.

I'm back. Saturday, after a long morning of work, I left with Scott to spend three glorious days in Mammoth, the most beautiful place I have ever been. Ever.
LOTS of pictures and stories to follow. For now, sleep. Love.
P.S. Mom, I didn't get to see your comments. I'm sorry. I've been without internet access for three days.

I have a thousand thoughts to share at this moment. In the time it has taken to turn on my computer, I thought out much of what I wanted to write. Thoughts come so quickly and I can only type 60 wpm... It's like I'm holding out my hand in a rainstorm, trying to catch ALL of the rain so that I can share it with you later. I've lost most of it already. I hope what I've managed to catch makes sense.

My roommate and I love to gab for hours on end, mostly girl talk, lots of gospel chatter, and a little making fun of the way I walk and talk in my sleep. We have had opposite schedules this week, and played catch-up tonight until 2AM. towards the end of our conversation, I mentioned that work will be dull tomorrow, and Lori offered to loan me a book. I chose "No One Can Take Your Place" by Sheri Dew. The title screamed "READ ME, LAURA", and I was very anxious to begin. More thoughts on that later.

I took the book and thanked her. I asked her how the dance was (Single Adult dance last night. I had to work). She suddenly sat up straight and said "Oh, I saw Nick there tonight.... eeeeewww...." She shuddered and rolled her eyes.
For those of you who don't know about my lovely two year spat with this guy, I was involved with someone for a while who was somewhat abusive. Emotionally, physically, sexually, it was bad. It's a very long, very complicated story that I have wasted far too much of my life talking and thinking about, and I don't really feel like reliving details here online for all to see. I do, however, feel a strong urge to share some thoughts on my progression since this time in my life. Doing so will require some details, my thoughts and feelings on the past, and some of it is not entirely pleasant. But it has a happy ending. Read it if you like. You are all my beloved family and I feel no shame in sharing any of this with you.

The thing that gets me most about what happened is that, even now (though I like to pretend I'm completely over it), I still wonder how much of it was abuse on his part and how much was abuse on my part. Was it my fault? He sure made me feel like it was. How much of it was my fault? Am I a bad person? I spent two years listening to him "tell it like it is". Many times he told me what a wonderful person I am, and that I have the potential to become a great woman of God. Many more times than that (especially when things didn't go his way, in retrospect), he told me that I am trash; a thankless, soulless being who will be miserable the rest of my days (to sum it up). When I recall the stories the way he tells them, I see the worst sides of me and believe that it was all my fault from the very start. Other times I see him as a complete monster who twisted me up inside and out and left me for dead. I want to blame him for everything, but I can't. I want to blame myself for everything, but I need to forgive myself and move on, and sometimes the easy way of doing that is to blame him. It's a complete catch 22 that I still fumble over in my head from time to time.

The relationship began as any other. It was innocent. I was innocent. He was a nice guy who stood out to me because of his charismatic presence. I disliked him at first, but he won me over and eased his way into my heart over a few months until I trusted him. Then things became odd....
For the most part, I lean on the Lord and try to tell myself that I learned from the experience and now I can move on. I don't know why I had to go through those years, but they made me question everything in life, and I do mean everything. From the way I hold myself when I enter a room to my relationship with my family to the type of toothpaste I use. I'm serious. I became consumed with self-reflection, and soon I saw nothing else. I compared myself to everyone and everything EXCEPT that which my Heavenly Father would desire of me. That has been some of the lasting damage. That storm is still in the process of settling within me. A little of his pride and arrogance rubbed off on me. I found those qualities so attractive in him, a man full of confidence and charisma.

I digress. I always do when I talk about him. One thought leads to another tangent and another question and soon my head is spinning and I change my mind ten times in one minute.

My roommate and I have had enough gab time that some of the general details of that relationship have been discussed. When she said his name, everything froze. She immediately apologized, and I didn't really know what to say. I was obsessed with him and the mess that came with him for some time, demanding that I was so in love with him. Gag.
But last I heard, he was married and living in L.A., so to hear that he was at a Young Single Adult dance last night bothered me slightly... More than I had expected it to. He was probably just there to help the DJ, James Wong, his closest friend in Fresno. James is an Autistic, Manic Depressive young man whom Nick has "taken under his wing"... He has trained him to do whatever he says whenever he says to do it. To this day, when James sees me coming, he will break eye contact and RUN in the opposite direction.

I know that Nick is a big old weirdo creep. But this is the first time I have heard news of him in almost a year, and it bothered me. Lori saw that my visage had changed (we had been talking about preparing for the temple just prior to the talk of books and the mention of his name), and she asked if I was going to be ok. I wasn't sad. I wasn't angry or upset or anything definitive. I don't know how to describe it. I get this feeling sometimes when I think about that whole time period, like I'm watching a really terrible movie in which a good little girl changes into a bad little girl through the influence of some very nasty friends, and due to her weak spirit, her short comings, her imperfections, she becomes the villain. I need to remember to fast-forward that little movie in my mind to the part in the sequel when she becomes the hero, or finds THE hero, or whatever. The point is, I sometimes momentarily forget that MY story comes with a happy ending and I get a little sick.
What bugs me more is just wondering if this will bug me for the rest of my life! And is that ok if it does? I'm over Nick, I don't care for him in any way or want him back or any of that stupid junk. I am quite ecstatic over my current relationship with one of my very best friends and the greatest guy I know who isn't an immediate member of my family or (ahem..) in the Godhead. I wouldn't trade Scott for the world, and I do mean that.
I love you, Scott. Please note that this reflection is not about romantic feelings or anything of that nature. You're my guy. This reflection is strictly of a spiritual nature.

I've been told that I have experienced "battered-wife syndrome".
"It's not his fault. I made him do it. He really loves me. He does it because he loves me. I just made him so angry.... I can change him", etc. I thought quite a lot about suicide through most of this time period, but suicide meant physical death, and I was already experiencing spiritual death. Death was not what I sought. I wanted to cease my existence completely. I wanted to never have been. Not just to never have been born or to start over, but to never have existed, ever. I was so confused, so wound up, and so deep in despair that I didn't even want God to know who I was. No matter how I tried, I wasn't the person I wanted to be, and I just wanted to give up.

Thanks to loving parents who diligently shared the truths of the gospel with me throughout my life, I knew that giving up wasn't an option. I knew suicide wouldn't do me any good, because I would only become more miserable in the post-mortal existence I would be entering. I clearly remember many nights on which I would lay awake, curled in the fetal position on my bed, tears and sweat covering my face and pillow as I struggled within myself to decide what to do. Frustration overwhelmed me constantly as I made what I knew were futile attempts to contradict the truth and to escape the life I had chosen. I would talk to Heavenly Father constantly (I knew Him only as 'God' then, as I had boycotted all familial references to His name), daring to argue my case of "injustice" with Him. I was angry because I knew there was no easy way out. The nights were long and full of my tears and screams of anger and hatred, of exhaustion and frustration and humiliation. I played the "I QUIT" game several times. But in the morning, the sun would always rise and I knew that I was wrong, and that Father had sat with me all night long and listened to me cry. He even heard the words I wasn't saying. And more than that, He understood me. He loved me. I believe He cried with me. I felt Him near me many times, and I know that He sent His angels to hold me through the night when I couldn't hold on by myself. He even sent them on nights I didn't feel that I deserved them. Maybe that all sounds a bit cheesey, even cliche, but that's what happened.

I knew that the only solution was to "endure to the end", but I was on a miserable circular track of pride, greed, insecurities, self-loathing, fear, and hate. I was getting nowhere. My wise and loving parents, my bishop, and my wonderful sister, Kelli, all counciled me to cut ties with Nick, but I simply couldn't do it. He had me convinced that he was someone special and that I needed to remain loyal to him over all. His talk of "powers" comparable to that of Christ's made me uncomfortable, but I still wouldn't leave. He spread hate and anger everywhere he went, but I wouldn't abandon him. I began to see that I was miserable with him and I hated him more than I loved him, but I wouldn't budge. When the hitting began and I still wouldn't stop calling or hanging around him, I wondered if I was still sane. A sane person would have left, right? He had to leave me. After a few more months, he hated himself and I suppose he decided to make a change. He stopped talking to me. It took a long time, but I began to see that it was for the best. It took about a year for me to talk it out. I'd talk to anyone who would listen, except for the therapists that my school and church assigned me to. I suppose I was afraid of the labels they might assign. I've never been comfortable with the idea of therapy. Counsel, yes. Psychiatry, no.

As it turns out, the comfort I needed was all within my family. My parents worked so hard to help me in any way they could. Kelli and Adam kept their doors lovingly open to me, even when I brought a negative wind. Watching them raise Karly and seeing her grow into the amazing little girl she is now has been one of my greatest joys of my life. I don't think they know that, but their family is so extremely precious to me. Carin comforted me and advised me carefully. I felt that she empathized with me, judgement-free, and though we had not always been very close, I grew to love her so much more after that. Jason and Denise live far from me, and we rarely get to talk. But I hear about their progress in life, the way they live, and they have been shining examples for me. The addition in my life, these past ten months, of Scott Green has been so very wonderful. He is obedient to the Lord, endlessly patient, ambitious but humble, and happy. I love every second I spend with him. He fits me perfectly, he is my best friend, he calms me, he encourages me. I love him very much.

Mom. Dad.
What fantastic names. MOM & DAD. We have the very best parents. I'll stand by that statement forever. They are two very grand spirits, without whom I would be nowhere. Words just don't cut it. I could write all day and never say what I feel when I think of the two of you. Mom. My beautiful, wonderful, powerful mother. I love you forever. Daddy. My special daddy. I love you so much.
At the head of this beautiful family is a Father in Heaven who loves us so very much. He loves me enough to sit with me and listen, even when I am blind with anger and foolish as can be. I know He heard me on those dark nights. I know He hears me still. He watches us and knows our joys and our pains. He celebrates wtih us and mourns with us. He waits for us. He is waiting for us now. Right now. He is waiting for us to come home and recognize Him and our family there. He has given us the tools to find our way back. I know that someday I will be there with all of you.

I am curious to know what ocurred when families were being selected and assigned. How is it that I ended up with such wonderful people? Did I win a bet? (oh, right, probably no gambling in heaven...) :) I've looked around a bit, and from what I can tell, I have the very best family around. :)

And that's when it happened. Healing. My heart began to heal when I started resetting my focus on my family. I had nothing else. I had ruined all else in my life. All friendships, all plans, all associations. I was a dark and bleak person, miserable to be near. The only people that would stay in the room when I walked in were members of my family. And WHO CARES whose fault that is. The only thing that mattered at that point was what I did to change it. So for the past couple of years, I've been working on reconciliations on all fronts; with myself, with the Lord, with friends and family. For the most part, I feel renewed. I have felt forgivness. I have felt the weight being lifted and my heart swell two sizes too large for concerns and worries of my past.
I am excited for the future now, with plans for a family and a career of touching students' lives through a study that I am passionate about. I am ever eager for tomorrow. I look forward to having all of you in all of my tomorrows. I love you, my family. All of you.

So a few hours ago, as Lori and I tried to tuck ourselves into our beds after the unpleasant encounter with Nick's name, I found that I couldn't sleep. I kept running through ugly memories and unanswered questions from the past. That was the LAST thing I wanted, so I grabbed the book that Lori has loaned me (which looks fantastic!), ran downstairs and, after a brief battle with a HUGE cockroach (EW, EW, EW!!!!!!!!) which I won by placing a large mug upside down over him (I hope nobody picks it up. Maybe I should write a big note!), I sat down to read something uplifting. I only got to the second page before I had the overwhelming desire to write everything I was thinking.

I would quote page four, paragraph five of the book here, but it's too long and I need to take a shower and go to work soon. So you have homework! (Those of you who have actually made it all the way through this post!) Go read it yourself.

If you did make it through this, thank you for caring. If you didn't, it's ok. I don't think I would have, if I weren't me. :)

I love you!!!!!!

This jet takes two pilots at all times. I was, therefore, the only passenger on it. Yes, I felt pretty special.

40-50 million dollar jet. Good. Grief.
Other gulfstreams lined up on the ramp.
Kitchen.
Yes, that is a bed. There are two on board. All the chairs convert somehow. There are hook-ups for playstations, laptops, cell phones, etc. I felt extremely out of place on this thing...
control panel. holy moly.

This is the Lavatory... The entire area closes off and becomes a private bathroom, then folds back up into a closet. Way to save space. I should have that at home.

Don't hate me because I'm fancy. LOL!!!!

It was a neato ride, but I am now certain that I will never own anything so fancy. I felt so wasteful just being on that thing. Fun, though. Scott has the coolest job on earth.

hehehe, just joking, Kel. I've been meaning to blog about all the fun things I've been doing lately, but, y'know, I stink. Here's a blip from a fun night a couple of weeks ago. The Haights took us to the Drive-in in Hanford to see Kung Fu Panda! Way fun. Scott and I took the van (Karly chaperoned (sp?)), and the others set up camp in rows of chairs and trucks. Adam made popcorn in his groovy old-fashioned machine. Scott picked up sweets at the dollar store. Karly fell asleep on my lap no more than twenty minutes in. Emma did NOT want to sit still, but I pawned her off on mom and she eventually fell asleep in her car seat. All in all, we had a great night. Thanks, Adam and Kelli.

This area shoots water up randomly through verious holes in the ground at different speeds and in random patterns. SO FUN!!!!!!!!

Hey! Where'd it go?!

It was right here! When will it come back?!

OH! Right in the kisser! There it is...

This is what happens when you stand in the middle where the four largest streams combine.

Karly played in the water for a moment, but she grew tired of that after ashort while. She is the one running with the towel hanging from her head.

She opted to play princess barbies off to the side for most of the time we were there.

...But we were able to pull her away from that to pose for a picture. This cracks me up. She heard "picture", ran out and struck her pose!Kelli hung out with the other moms in the shade.

Eventually, Emma was ready to give this thing a try. She eased her way in while the water was hiding.

As soon as the first spray hit her, she decided she might like this.

ok, she LOVED it!

Oh no.... Emma found the big hole in the middle.....

And she got hammered!!!!!!

But she seemed to be ok with it. Big smiles!

"How do you feel about your fountain experience, Emma?"

"Hmmmm....... Yeah, I liked it!"

okokokkok, hi. I know, I'm a slacker. But so is Kelli. That makes it ok, right? lol...
No, I've just been really busy being lazy. This has been a great week, and I will post all about it later. Scott and I are working hard on our picture story blog, and it's coming along quite nicely. It will definitely fill your silly quota for the month. I have lots of pictures to post. Scott took me flying in the big jet, the Gulfstream 450! Soooooooooo fun. Tooks lots of pictures of that. We spent last weekend up in the mountains again to get away from the smokey CA valley. It's awful out here. But we are making so much money at work because of the fires (we fuel all the tankers and scouts that dump the flame retardant on the fires). Others' misfortune is our benefit. Very sad, but true. I haven't been working out much this week. No bueno. So I started again today. Got pumped up by reading Carin's "running bum" blog, then went out and had a good workout for two hours. Came home feeling amazing and had a nice long stretch. For your visual enjoyment, here is a less-than-pleasant picture of me all yucky sweaty and stretching. Let's here it for a sloppy "downward-facing dog".



I love going through the "Sun-Salutation Sequence" before and after a workout. Look it up and try it out. Very refreshing. I do a dance-taylored version that gets more into the femur head sockets, but any version is nice. I used to do this followed by cold water misogi (sp?), when you plunge into chilly water in the early AM after meditation and a stretch. I often wish I was more of a morning person so I could have the same desire in the wee hours of the morning to do this that I have later in the day when I have no time. Alas, my bed is still winning the epic struggle between my body and mind. Someday I will conquer this. Hopefully soon.

Well, that's my obligatory post for the day... week.... Yeah. More soon.
"Smile! It makes people wonder what you're up to!"

Scott and I set out extra early to make it to Valencia before Six Flags opened. We were happily on our way when a fuel truck overturned and spilled all over the grape-vine. Our options were to head back home (when we were nearly there) or take a three hour detour (when we had been driving for two hours already). We decided to face the long drive and enjoy our day anyway. With mom's huge help in guiding us on a detour, we eventually ade it and had a fantastic time! Thanks mom!!!!!!!!!!

What a beautiful drive! ...bleh...

But the park was worth the drive.... This sight is such a thrill if you still have a bit of 'kid' in you!

We can't wait we can't wait we can't wait we can't wait......
comeoncomeoncomeoncomeoncomeoncomeoncomeoncomeoncomeon!!!!!!!!
aw.... Scott dropped his favorite sunglasses and scratched them. The morning stunk. But......

Then we started on the rides...
lots and lots and lots of rides...


This is gonna be fun!
Tatsu.... that's the beginning of the first climb of the three year old ride. Yes, those passengers are facing us. Down. On the ground. That was once the coolest ride in the world. We will fill you in on the NEW coolest ride in the world later. Tatsu is hot stuff. We took this picture (and most others) while we waited in lines, since cameras are not allowed on rides anymore (because of people like mom, who once gave me a black eye with her camera on "The Edge" at Great America). lol.... Hey, at least my feet weren't severed like that girl in Kentucky. Another kid was decapitated today, just a few hours ago, in fact, at a theme park in Georgia because he jumped a fence, entered a danger zone, and got hit by a train. I'm glad I wasn't s interested in these park accidents before going to six flags this month... I've found a lot of reports lately..... yikes..... Anyway....
Oh wow. We were standing in line for the big wild water rapids when Scott pointed out that the growth we were surrounded by was actually a strawberry patch!!!! How quaint.
WEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Look at the awesomeness of the rides.
Yes, there are lots of pictures of this, the least exciting ride at the park. Hey, it was the only ride that still allowed cameras.
We got a little bored in line and found some interesting ways to entertain ourselves.
cameras help. Makes it easier to laugh at ourselves.
Tatsu making people feel like they can fly.

Dejavu is a pretty awesome ride.
You begin by going up a huge climb straight up, hanging there for a moment, and then dropping into a freefall facing the ground before getting caught in a boomerang effect. AWESOME!!!!!
More Line goofing
And more... Yeah. We're basically really good looking.

The only ride we didn't get to do. The line was insane and we've both done this kind of ride. straight up, straight down. big deal. The coolest thing about this ride is the wait. You enter this cave and walk through a museum of superman junk. Lots of wax figures and memorabelia. Very cool. And then you get kicked out on an exit car that takes a detour past the clouds.
Scott wants to do this someday. Somewhat like bunjee jumping, but you don't jump. We get strapped together and pulled up to those distant bars, suspended from a cable attached to the arc.
And then they let go and send you flying. Yeah, I watched this group of teeny boppers come within a foot of the ground. No thanks. I like being alive.
I just thought you'd like to see up my nose.
also, this is a funny face.

BATMAN the ride!!!!
oooooo...... Scott's super hero side is revealed in the dark!
Yay for Gotham City at Six Flags.
Hey, why is it that I get completely soaked on every ride, even the dry ones....
But when Scott is intentionally placed on the DANGER zone of a bridge in front of a 57 foot wall of water, he gets a damp spot on his shorts?!

THIS is the coolest ride in the entire world!!!! We waited in line for two hours to ride this insane thing! X2. The entire line consisted of plasma screens displaying people getting injured while attempting extreme sports, fueled by breakstuff.com. Even the wait was insane! When we finally got on the ride, our hearts pounding, we experienced the most unusual ride ever. Frank Sinatra sang "You Made Me Love You" through speakers next to each passenger's ears while we relaxed back in what turned out to be 360 degree rotating seats (that's right. hung from universal joints on the train, each seat rotates completely...... it was insane). We began our first climb and suddenly the pleasant music stopped with a screach, laughter, and then rock music took over while we fell straight down while facing a sky full of stars. "FAAAAAALLLIIIIIIIIIING FROM THE SKY!!!!!!!" rang in our ears and the rest of the ride was indescribable. Definitely not for the faint of heart. The most amazing thrill ride I've ever seen. Just dang cool.
Goliath was HUGE!!!!! Scott stands in front of the "I" of the title at the entrance. The ride had an ENORMOUS drop with an open, old fashioned coaster car. Two per car. Nothing to hold you in but a lap bar. I thought I was going to die. You can see the major drop (tallest in the park) behind the title in the below picture.

YIKES!!!

We couldn't leave the park without riding a carousel!
Yeehaw! Ride 'em, Cowboy!!!!!

He'd make a good knight.
My horse and I matched.

Yeah, we had a blast. By the end of the day, we were pretty wiped out. Had to pull over a few times to nap. The three hour drive back took six hours. Still, wit was a great birthday spent together. The end.